For all the crap that has been going on, for all the time that it has taken for the shit to hit the fan, it is eternity when compared to the amount of time it took me to analyze what is wrong with my life.
I am disappointed with some of the people in my life and some of the situations in my life, but most of all, I am disappointed with myself.
I have recently returned to some old habits I had sworn I would never return to and I have broken from some good habits I got myself into.
There are so many reasons for me to be disappointed with myself that I just need to say fuck it. I'm going to fix myself.
During the last week of 2008, I was searching for some things to resolve and by the new year, I came up with nothing except for one idea. I resolved to be a better person. However, the lack of acknowledgment of what I needed to fix in myself made it impossible to change myself.
Tonight, I have learned what I need to do.
Now, when I say that I resolve to be a better person, I mean it.
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
Monday, January 12, 2009
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
Best day ever!
I woke up at 7 for some reason and couldn't sleep. I went downstairs, had my mom drive me to the train station to pick up the other car, and then went to Panera's to use the gift card I got for Hanukkah. When I came home, I played Okami for an hour then took a nap. When I woke up I played Okami for 2 hours and now it is 2:30 in the afternoon.
I hope tonight can match today's awesomeness.
I'm going to have lunch.
I hope tonight can match today's awesomeness.
I'm going to have lunch.
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
Sin
Maybe it is the psychologist in me - or maybe it is just the actor - but I am always trying to analyze people. I love to see what makes them tick.
While watching Full Metal Alchemist, I looked at each of the homunculus and tried to understand how their sin manifests. Pride, the Fuhrer, had status and looked down upon everyone. Envy was jealous of the love Ed and Al had earned from their father and thus wanted to kill him so no one would have his love. Lust earned the adoration of several men and she would toy with hearts. Wrath hated his mother for turning him into what he was and hated Ed for having the body he needed. Sloth, was not only slow to act and move, but she also was willing to kill her own "sons" to see if she would feel anything at all. Pride wanted eternal life and everything he could get his hands on, and Gluttony... well... ate everything.
By the end of the show, I started to ask the question, "What if everyone was dominated by a single sin? What if there was one sin that manifests itself in every single person and makes them act the way they do?" I began to examine people in this way to see if it is true.
This is not an easy task, as some sins overlap. Before I was able to identify the sin in people, I had to identify the sins:
1) Pride -
2) Lust -
3) Gluttony -
4) Envy - (Similar to Greed)
5) Greed - (Similar to Envy)
7) Sloth -
A few personal beliefs about the Seven Deadly Sins
By the way, this was a post I have wanted to write up for the longest time but as posts in general, I didn't want to post it without feeling it first. Recent events, especially the New Year, have drawn it out of me.
While watching Full Metal Alchemist, I looked at each of the homunculus and tried to understand how their sin manifests. Pride, the Fuhrer, had status and looked down upon everyone. Envy was jealous of the love Ed and Al had earned from their father and thus wanted to kill him so no one would have his love. Lust earned the adoration of several men and she would toy with hearts. Wrath hated his mother for turning him into what he was and hated Ed for having the body he needed. Sloth, was not only slow to act and move, but she also was willing to kill her own "sons" to see if she would feel anything at all. Pride wanted eternal life and everything he could get his hands on, and Gluttony... well... ate everything.
By the end of the show, I started to ask the question, "What if everyone was dominated by a single sin? What if there was one sin that manifests itself in every single person and makes them act the way they do?" I began to examine people in this way to see if it is true.
This is not an easy task, as some sins overlap. Before I was able to identify the sin in people, I had to identify the sins:
1) Pride -
- Overly-high self-esteem
- Generally looks down on everyone
- Sees himself as perfect
2) Lust -
- Toys with people's emotions
- Manipulates people
3) Gluttony -
- Over-indulges in pleasures
4) Envy - (Similar to Greed)
- Wants what other people have
- If he can't have what he wants, he doesn't want anyone to have it
5) Greed - (Similar to Envy)
- Wants what other people have
- Will try anything to get what other people have
- Generally angry
- Lashes at other people
7) Sloth -
- Apathetic
- Last to react
A few personal beliefs about the Seven Deadly Sins
- Everyone has a sin.
- Only one sin is more dominant than the rest. You cannot be both Lustful and Greedy. I do, however believe that sins can be used to fuel your overall sins. For example, if you are Greed, you can use lust to get what you want.
- You do not keep the same sin throughout your life. That is to say it is possible to switch sins as you grow.
- I do not believe they are "Deadly." On the contrary, I think it is what keeps us from unraveling and keeps us human. That said, I do believe that it is important to identify what sin you personify and how it helps and hinders you.
By the way, this was a post I have wanted to write up for the longest time but as posts in general, I didn't want to post it without feeling it first. Recent events, especially the New Year, have drawn it out of me.
Friday, December 26, 2008
Reflections on Christmas
Since you asked Mikey, here you go .
Christmas this year was a mixed bag.
My parents got me a kick-ass art book that I desperately need for directing (and for looking at when I am bored), my sister got me a Chinese yo-yo that I am going to master by the end of break, and my brother sent me Heroes Season 1. This, however, is where my Christmas gets kinda sucky.
My brother, as everyone probably knows by now, is performing on a cruise ship sailing around the Caribbean and while this is a great first job and I am so happy for him, I spent my first Christmas without him. It first really hit me how much I miss him when I opened his present (one of his favorite shows that he has been pushing on me for a year now). Then five minutes later, we were taking our yearly family photo in front of the tree, and I was reminded of his absence again. In fact, for the rest of the day, I was constantly reminded of him and the worst part of it all was that I couldn't call him, I couldn't text him, I couldn't see him.
But, I also acknowledge that he was just as sad seeing as how I sort of talked to him a few days ago about it. By the way, apparently he had to march around the boat playing Jingle Bells and Sleigh Ride for an hour on Christmas Morning. Bummer. He isn't going to be coming back until late March. I really miss him.
The other part of Christmas that was really sucky was, well, the fact that the people I care about the most are spread all across New York and even though we are in the season of sharing with the people that you love, I was unable to share it with any of them. However I know I was sharing it with them in spirit and to make matters better, I will be both riding out the old year, and ringing in the new year with them.
But as I said, my Christmas was a mixed bag and with the bad came the good. I got home last night around six, had a few beers, talked to Mikey and Lauren, and then shared the rest of the night with great friends. We saw The Curious Case of Benjamin Button which was albeit a bit long, was really a fantastic movie.
Did I ever tell you I've been struck by lightning seven times? One time I was just getting my mail.
Christmas this year was a mixed bag.
My parents got me a kick-ass art book that I desperately need for directing (and for looking at when I am bored), my sister got me a Chinese yo-yo that I am going to master by the end of break, and my brother sent me Heroes Season 1. This, however, is where my Christmas gets kinda sucky.
My brother, as everyone probably knows by now, is performing on a cruise ship sailing around the Caribbean and while this is a great first job and I am so happy for him, I spent my first Christmas without him. It first really hit me how much I miss him when I opened his present (one of his favorite shows that he has been pushing on me for a year now). Then five minutes later, we were taking our yearly family photo in front of the tree, and I was reminded of his absence again. In fact, for the rest of the day, I was constantly reminded of him and the worst part of it all was that I couldn't call him, I couldn't text him, I couldn't see him.
But, I also acknowledge that he was just as sad seeing as how I sort of talked to him a few days ago about it. By the way, apparently he had to march around the boat playing Jingle Bells and Sleigh Ride for an hour on Christmas Morning. Bummer. He isn't going to be coming back until late March. I really miss him.
The other part of Christmas that was really sucky was, well, the fact that the people I care about the most are spread all across New York and even though we are in the season of sharing with the people that you love, I was unable to share it with any of them. However I know I was sharing it with them in spirit and to make matters better, I will be both riding out the old year, and ringing in the new year with them.
But as I said, my Christmas was a mixed bag and with the bad came the good. I got home last night around six, had a few beers, talked to Mikey and Lauren, and then shared the rest of the night with great friends. We saw The Curious Case of Benjamin Button which was albeit a bit long, was really a fantastic movie.
Did I ever tell you I've been struck by lightning seven times? One time I was just getting my mail.
Monday, December 22, 2008
The Future
Wow, I haven't posted in a while...
So after a crazy weekend in Vorhees, NJ at my cousin's Bat Mitzvah, I am finally home for the break.
I will never understand the effects of a shower on me. People occasionally notice that I take a long time in the shower, and I never really explain why. That said, I feel compelled to explain it right here. I do some of my best thinking in the shower. There is something about the massaging effect of water on my head that really stimulates my mind. I have had many epiphanies there. For this reason, I not only make sure to take showers when I know I have enough time to take my time, but I also take showers when I know I need to do some thinking.
However, there are occasions when I am showering and an unexpected thought will arise. Hence the reason I am writing this.
As I was showering today, I had a strange thought about the future and my career path. Two weeks ago I auditioned for a B.A. in Music. Three days later, I found out that I got the major. Hence, I am double majoring in B.A. in Drama and B.A. in Music. This is where the problem begins. When putting these two majors to use in real life, they add up to almost nothing. For those who don't know, a B.A. (Bachelor of Arts) is the most general degree you can get in a field. I love the irony in this because I wanted to originally audition for a B.F.A in Musical Theatre but my parents were worried that I would graduate and be "unable to do anything else but act." However, with my two majors, I am going to graduate "unable to do anything." I will have a degree in theatre but no specific training in any theatre concentration. I will have a degree in music but no specific training in any music concentration.
Here is where my epiphany comes in. See, I cannot imagine myself in any career that would force me to sit in a desk all day and even though I do not have a set career when I graduate, I am extremely happy with my life decision. Because I am getting the most general degrees, I am free to get a rounded education to my choosing. If I want to throw some psychology classes in there, I can! If I want to through in some biology classes, so be it! I am able to really choose what I want to learn and if I chose with some intellegence, I know I can pick the classes that might help me in the future.
To be honest, I feel like I am writing myself a blank check for the future. I will go whereever the wind will take me. Whatever job I end up in (although my top priority is a theatre job), will be good enough for me. Money, which I feel only holds people down, is no object to me. No necessity to me.
Don't take this the wrong way, for I do have aspirations. I only am saying that I am prepared to take what life throws at me and throw it right back at life. I will use my education to the best of my ability and make sure that all of it is useful to me.
I have a smart head on my sholders and because I am not pidgeon holing myself, I know I will succeed.
So after a crazy weekend in Vorhees, NJ at my cousin's Bat Mitzvah, I am finally home for the break.
I will never understand the effects of a shower on me. People occasionally notice that I take a long time in the shower, and I never really explain why. That said, I feel compelled to explain it right here. I do some of my best thinking in the shower. There is something about the massaging effect of water on my head that really stimulates my mind. I have had many epiphanies there. For this reason, I not only make sure to take showers when I know I have enough time to take my time, but I also take showers when I know I need to do some thinking.
However, there are occasions when I am showering and an unexpected thought will arise. Hence the reason I am writing this.
As I was showering today, I had a strange thought about the future and my career path. Two weeks ago I auditioned for a B.A. in Music. Three days later, I found out that I got the major. Hence, I am double majoring in B.A. in Drama and B.A. in Music. This is where the problem begins. When putting these two majors to use in real life, they add up to almost nothing. For those who don't know, a B.A. (Bachelor of Arts) is the most general degree you can get in a field. I love the irony in this because I wanted to originally audition for a B.F.A in Musical Theatre but my parents were worried that I would graduate and be "unable to do anything else but act." However, with my two majors, I am going to graduate "unable to do anything." I will have a degree in theatre but no specific training in any theatre concentration. I will have a degree in music but no specific training in any music concentration.
Here is where my epiphany comes in. See, I cannot imagine myself in any career that would force me to sit in a desk all day and even though I do not have a set career when I graduate, I am extremely happy with my life decision. Because I am getting the most general degrees, I am free to get a rounded education to my choosing. If I want to throw some psychology classes in there, I can! If I want to through in some biology classes, so be it! I am able to really choose what I want to learn and if I chose with some intellegence, I know I can pick the classes that might help me in the future.
To be honest, I feel like I am writing myself a blank check for the future. I will go whereever the wind will take me. Whatever job I end up in (although my top priority is a theatre job), will be good enough for me. Money, which I feel only holds people down, is no object to me. No necessity to me.
Don't take this the wrong way, for I do have aspirations. I only am saying that I am prepared to take what life throws at me and throw it right back at life. I will use my education to the best of my ability and make sure that all of it is useful to me.
I have a smart head on my sholders and because I am not pidgeon holing myself, I know I will succeed.
Monday, December 15, 2008
Stream of consciousness amidst finals
I really want to do more Stream of Consciousness writings. That is when you just let your mind go and just babble. So without further interruption...
Here is a major Faux Pas. So today whilst presenting for my Theories final, I was trying to explain how the purpose of Theatre of Cruelty is meant to confuse the senses. However, I screwed up and said the Theatre of Cruelty is meant to cuntfuse the senses. Although I definitely thought the words, "Oh shit!" loud enough in my head, I continued to go on as though nothing happened.
Tonight is the closing night of the first show I have ever directed. It is a rough show and there have been some interesting moral dilemmas/obligations but the cast was great to work with and result is a great product. All in all, I am very happy that this was the first of hopefully many shows in my directing career.
Tomorrow is going to rock because I have a 20 minute Italian test at 7:30 and then am done for the day... well, except for studying for Musical Styles.
On wednesday I go home and can finally clear my mind of all insanity. The past couple weeks have been really rough and there have been many people who helped me get through it and for that I am very greatful. I am also grateful that I am a different/better person for it. Still though, I am glad that I am leaving this semester without many regrets and [even better] in one piece/peace.
I think thats all I have for now.
Later Gator.
Here is a major Faux Pas. So today whilst presenting for my Theories final, I was trying to explain how the purpose of Theatre of Cruelty is meant to confuse the senses. However, I screwed up and said the Theatre of Cruelty is meant to cuntfuse the senses. Although I definitely thought the words, "Oh shit!" loud enough in my head, I continued to go on as though nothing happened.
Tonight is the closing night of the first show I have ever directed. It is a rough show and there have been some interesting moral dilemmas/obligations but the cast was great to work with and result is a great product. All in all, I am very happy that this was the first of hopefully many shows in my directing career.
Tomorrow is going to rock because I have a 20 minute Italian test at 7:30 and then am done for the day... well, except for studying for Musical Styles.
On wednesday I go home and can finally clear my mind of all insanity. The past couple weeks have been really rough and there have been many people who helped me get through it and for that I am very greatful. I am also grateful that I am a different/better person for it. Still though, I am glad that I am leaving this semester without many regrets and [even better] in one piece/peace.
I think thats all I have for now.
Later Gator.
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