Long time no write

I haven't written in my blog in the longest time. So much has happened. Epic blog post coming soon.

This world is made of Peace and Love

Explanation 1

I really hate goodbyes. I think they can be drawn out and unnecessary. When someone says goodbye, they make it seem no one is ever going to see them again and you wind up missing them more.

When you don't say goodbye, or at least make it less obvious, it feels like you have never been gone when you get back and no one feels like a part of them has been missing.

This is why I do not always say good bye. I think there is a time and place for it, but long absences from home do not warrent it. It is never anything personal, but I generally will not say good bye unless its for a very long absense.

Summer Break

So as you may or may not know, I am going to be staying in Ithaca this summer. Although I will try to make frequent trips back home, I'd love to have people visit my summer house! There are gorges to jump and trails to hike and a lot of awesome country driving to drive!

Full Metal Alchemist: Brotherhood

New Full Metal Alchemist series started on the 2nd of April and came to America on the 10th.

Watch it on this site:

http://www.lovelyanime.com/category/full-metal-alchemist-brotherhood/

Its going to follow the manga. 

Its kickass.

Cleo

My cat Cleo, also dubbed Bootsy by Grover and Miss Cleo by Sean, passed away around 9:30 this morning. My mom and brother were sitting down at breakfest when Cleo, much like she always does, tried to jump up on a chair behind my mom when she came to a sitting position, she fell right off and was on the floor. My mom goes to pick her up and as she does, she hears the final breath.

Meanwhile, Andre calls me in the middle of History of Music and although slightly worried (he never calls me that early in the morning) I thought he wanted to talk about his upcoming cruise and the fact that I might be taking his car for a week. So I hit the ignore button only to find a text 20 seconds later, "Can you please call asap." I was starting to get really worried but I had 5 more minutes before class ended so I thought I'd be fine. Then I get a call from my mother a minute later. I rush from the class and immidetely call my mom and when she doesn't answer I call my brother. He is in tears and choked up he explains to me what happened. I understood, but at the same time I didn't like what I was hearing so my only response was, "I don't understand." He explained to me one more time choking even more over his words and I couldn't listen any more. He said he was sorry and I hung up explaining I'd call him later. 

For the next 10 minutes, I walked around the music building trying to figure out where I was going and what I was doing. I retrieved my sightsinging hearing from a friend and then called Mikey for help. My mom called me and I could barely talk so I hung up on her and then I went to my professors telling them I needed to take a personal day.

A few minutes later I was a little more cohearent and called my mom back. She explained to me the situation:

Apparently Cleo had a heart problem that we didn't know about and she wasn't able to take the sudden change of the seasons. Her heart just crapped out on her.

I don't know what to think. Cleo was always so tough. Even yesterday, she was attacking Dixie (or Frederick or Mimzy depending on who you talk to). I have had her since I was in second grade and I have seen her get so many injuries and make it through them. I got her from a kennel and apparently she was found wandering around the streets before being brought there. I liked her because of her spunkyness. Even though we had her declawed, she always got into fights in the neighborhood even leading to an injury needing stitches. A few years ago, we suspect she even got hit by a car. But she got through them all. I just never believed she'd go without a fight.

I feel so conflicted. On one hand I know I should move on. I have had my time to be upset but life moves on. I have a meeting with my advisor and a sightsinging hearing today. Juries are in only 3 weeks. Elections for Phi Mu Alpha positions are in a week. My little is being initiated in less than a week. I need to work on summer jobs. I need to work on my schedule for my next semester. This is the absolute worst time for me to worry about things outside of my control. For this reason, I have not been pining. However, I still feel horrible. I wonder if I trying to move on too quickly... Yeah it was a cat, but she was my cat. I chose her. She was my first pet. She was a family member. Then again, am I being too much of a pussy? ...It was a pun, you can laugh at it.

Later

30 before 30

My 20th birthday is less than a month away and I've realized that I will be thirty in 10 years. I know it is a long way away, but I wonder how much I can accomplish in those 10 years. here is a list of everything I want to do before I'm thirty. If I can accomplish at lest 5 of them, I will be happy.

• Finish learning Japanese
• Learn the harmonica
• Professionally voice act
• Professionally direct
• Professionally sing
• Enter peace corp
• Get into a fight
• Go to Japan, Ireland, or Germany
• Go to England again
• Road trip to California and back
• Live in New York, Chicago, or somewhere in California
• Snowboard in Utah or Switzerland
• Watch a Lord of the Rings or Star Wars (IV,V,VI) marathon
• Sleep under the stars
• Hold a meaningful relationship
• Learn martial arts
• Learn more parkour
• Learn to juggle
• Tandam bike ride
• Mud sledding
• Revisit Acadia
• Climb Mt. Washington
• Climb the presidential mountains
• Backpack across Europe
• Make a difference in someone's life
• Own a cat
• Own a dog
• Own a cat and dog who get along with each other
• Climb to the top of everybuilding on Ithaca College's campus

This is it for now. There are so much more that I want to do, that I will keep on adding them as I think of them. I'm going to mark off the ones that I do as I accomplish them.

Later.

Watashiwa Amerikajiin desu

In regards to my last post, I was feeling very existential and was just curious to see how people interperated the quote "One from all." Dan won. Easily.

Life is good though. I am almost done directing my second play ever, so that is really cool. Its looking alright and is really funny but the show's plot is shallow and it is occasionally poorly written. Still, I'm glad that I did it because it gives me more of a chance to stretch my directing muscles.

Juries are a month away and I am getting kind of worried. I have only memorized two pieces and I have 3 to go. If all else fails, I will just make up the words. The songs are in a different language anyway, I don't think the professors will understand them... right?

So. I'm sure you are all wondering what the title of the post means? It means: I am American. Thats right bitches! I'm learning Japanese! Probably going to run away and live there. But seriously though... probably not. I don't have money.

Thats all I gots for now.

Peace

Explain:

One from all.

Disney is cool again!

Here is the status of the new disney hand drawn animated movie!

http://movies.ign.com/articles/957/957888p1.html

Apparently they are going to also come out with a new hand drawn movie every 2.5 years!!!!!

Trophy from a reconstructed life

There is a reason I haven't posted in a while. I sort of went through an identity crisis about a month ago. I was at a point in my life where I didn't know if I was a good person or bad person or if I was just cut from a generic mold. Its something that I've always kept inside and really effected me.

Recently, I have really broken from that unyielding mindset and I would love to diagram the events for everyone to hear. That means you Brian!

Background Info 1
So anyone who knows me (ie. all of you) knows how well I can keep my composure. I don't know if anyone has seen me ever get truly mad, especially since I can count only a few times when I've actually been mad. (This of course doesn't include the times I have gotten angry due to the stupidity of people.) Anyway, I chalk it up to the fact that I am not phased by much and I don't really sweat the small stuff.

This however has lead me to believe that I am apathetic towards almost everything. For a long time, I believed that I didn't care about anything least of all myself.

Background Info 2
More often than not I place other people before myself and I rarely ever give myself a break for other people. For this reason, I don't get walked over by people. I get trampled on by people. And the worst part of all is that if I fail while getting trampled on, I apologize. Granted I may have nothing to apologize for, but I still inevatibly apologize.

Now here is the story.

Over the past weekend, the theatre school held auditions for two short shows, called No Bucks. The production schedule of each show is 2 weeks and as soon as one ends, the other begins.

The second show, the show I am directing, is a comedy called Ollie's Inferno. It is hilarious and totally suits my personality. I was really lucky to get such a good directing gig because I didn't know anything about the show when I voluenteered. My thoughts were, if the show is good, I will have a great time, but if the show sucks, I will learn how to deal. It was going to be a sink or swim show.

Now, the first show, The Death of Bessie Smith is a show regarding racism in the deep south during the 1930s. it has 2 black (male) characters and 4 white (2 male and 2 female) characters.

So, last weekend, as I said, was an audition weekend. We sat there as wave after wave of girls came into the audition. Honestly, no guys came in to audition (let alone any black guys). But the auditions went along anyway.

However, The Death of Bessie Smith started work yesterday so there was no time to hold anymore auditions and to make matters worse, there is already a mainstage show, involving raceism in the 1850s, that apparently took all of the black male actors in the Theatre School.

So, the director of the show calls me, desperately asking for my help. I said sure; not really putting too much thought into it. So yesterday we had a readthrough where I realized that I will be playing the part of a black person. I left the read through, mind reeling and halfway back to my dorm, I turned around. THERE WAS NO WAY IN HELL that I was going to play a black person in a show about racism. It was about the most distasteful thing I have ever heard in my life. I was getting sick just thinking about it.

So I talked to my director and she said, well the part I was to play would show that the oppressed person (me) was able to be the better man and that she had faith that I could bring dignity to the role.

Fine. I said I would think about it, but the more I thought about it, the more disgusted I got with the situation. I was about to trivialize hundred of years of black oppression in 2 weeks. Not happening. So I called up some friends to ask their oppinions and they aggreed with me. I called up one of the black acting teachers (who is actually on Sabbatical) and she aggreed with me. Then I called back the director of the show and she didn't understand. You would bring dignity to the part, she kept saying.

Anyway, me being the sucker I am, I said I would continue to think about it. Finally, I woke up this morning, very tired. I honestly had trouble sleeping over the whole thing. I called her up and told her no. I refused to be in her show. It was morally against what I believed and I would never respect myself or her if I did it. She breaks down in tears saying that her show is falling apart and she didn't understand why I promised to help her out and then broke the promise. However, the most shocking and ignorant thing I have ever heard was what she said next. She said that if she was ever asked to play a black person, she would do it and she thinks I am being unreasonable.

I lost it here. I actually yelled at her for about 5 minutes even while she was crying. This is something I never believed I would ever. In my life. Do. Finally, she asked the question, "Would it be alright to change it to a jewish person." Reluctantly, I said yes, knowing that she was in desperation and that I wouldn't hate myself if I took the role after the change.

Anyway, I hung up and ...well... here are some pictures of what happened after:
The Wall I punched. Looks pretty sharp and pointy? Yep... Sounds about right.
My bloody finger wrapped in a bloody bandage.

This is a bad picture, but I ripped off all the skin on my joint after 3 punches. You should have seen my finger directly after I punched the wall.


The bloody bandage. Gross!

Anyway, so what does this have to do with my identity crisis? Well, after I hung up and punched the wall, I realized that I wasn't angry. Actually I was very happy. Then I was sitting through my Shakespeare class and realized why. I have a very strong identity. I know who I am and what I want in life. I know when I should get angry and when i should just look the other way. I know how I want to view myself.

I know exactly what I like about myself, and what I don't like about myself, but I understand that there is a necessary balance between the two and more importantly I accept it.

I look back at my identity crisis and realize, there was no need for it, and yet I am eternally grateful that I had it. It made me want to prove to myself, all the more, that I am in fact a strong person.

My identity crisis was a manifestation of my own lack of trust and confidence in myself. I'm going to trust myself from now on.

PS. I also was so happy to be angry! It is a side of me that I have never really seen before and it was nice to experience it ... although as soon as I got angry, I lost it because I was happy that I was angry.

Rash City; Population: Me

Here is a true story turned haiku:

I have an itchy rash.
It keeps me from sleeping tonight.
I'm turnin' zombie.

A step in the wrong direction

Whoops...

This one might actually be mirroring the last one.

Ever since school started, I feel like I've been getting further and further from how school should be going. I have only been to a total of four classes on time, no joke... I have had twelve so far. I think my favorite late story was when I was searching for Class Voice last tuesday. I wrote the room number on my hand so I wouldn't forget where it was. I ran to dinner, ate, and ran to the Whalen. When I got there, I had just enough time to get to class, but I couldn't read the class number. Fuck. I ran all over the fourth floor (I at least knew it was there) but I couldn't find the room. I had to go to the library to figure out the room number. Finally, I reached my destination, opened the door, and walked into the room (once again ten minutes late) only to find myself on the stage of Ford Hall in front of my class. There was no sneakiness to be had at this point. I think the only way I could have made myself more obvious, was to tap dance across the stage. So I did. Actually, I really rushed off the stage, only getting myself noticed by the teacher who nicely asked my name.

Recently, as some may be aware, I promised that since I couldn't curb my swearing, I would become more krass. Bad life decision. I got called out in front of my sight singing class after a resounding SHIT! when I forgot that I was supposed to be singing in minor.

Besides that, I am sitting here at 6 in the morning, writing iambic pentameter for a class I have at two. I also, still have to read the rest of Shakespeare's pornagraphic story and figure out my sightsinging homework before 8 am since I have class from 8am to 3pm with only an hour break at 1.

I need to get better at this work thing.

A good start

Well, we are well into the first day of school and I have yet to do anything productive. I have only one class on Tuesdays (well 2 on Tuesday) and Thursdays as of now and it was canceled today. Thus I haven't left my room except to get food for lunch. I do have Rep class at 5:10 though so there is that. I streamed the inauguration and then tried to finish Okami, but played for 2 hours and got bored. I really need to finish my directing book for my play and memorize a monologue for my audition on Thursday. Whoops.

Anyway, every now and then, I have a lingering thought. Am I learning anything from Ithaca? Is there any reason for me to be $20 thousand+ in debt plus paying $46 thousand a semester? To be honest, I look at the classes for my major in the theatre department and just sigh. I sometimes believe I could be learning more somewhere else.

However, every so often I am thrown a curve ball that reminds me I am not just paying for the classes, but the experiences and opportunities.

About two months ago, I submitted an abstract on the utilization of a psychology theory in theatre to a convention all the way in Wisconsin. Two days ago, I recieved the response:

Dear Martine Baruch, et al:

Thank you for your abstract submission, Priming the Audience. Your abstract clearly illustrated your hard work in this field of study. The large volume of abstracts we received made the selection process highly competitive. The members of the Abstract Review Committee regret to inform you that your abstract was not accepted for presentation at NCUR 2009.

All abstracts were reviewed by a panel of faculty experts and the panel members indicated the quality of workmanship was outstanding. We applaud your research efforts and wish you future success.

Sincerely,

The NCUR 2009 Abstract Review Committee
www.uwlax.edu/ncur2009

I have never been so happy to recieve a rejection letter! Also, I have learned several things about myself and my life decisions:

• First, I feel like being a total dork and quoting the Futurama episode when Bender meets God.
  

"When you do things right, people won't be sure you've done anything at all."

I feel this applys to my life. I am in a constant state of indifference and laziness. But the response I have gotten from my abstract has made me realize that I might not be as indifferent and lazy as I thought I was. This abstract has made me reflect on the past; I have applied myself many times in the past and recieved extraordinary results. I now realize that I am not so apathaetic. I just don't sweat the small stuff. I see whats worth fighting for and whats important and then go to it. At times, it seems like I have done nothing at all, but then I realize that I have had many accomplishments. The only thing I wish I would do is avoid procrastination, but I don't see it as a big problem. Besides, you know what they say, "Heroes always come late."

• I am in the right major. I fully enjoyed writing the abstract.
  

• I know exactly what could've gotten me a spot in the convention but I was too afraid to take that risk when I wrote the abstract. I cannot hesitate again. If I know what I want and know how to get it, I need to go for it and pull out all the stops.

• I don't really care so much about grades. I never have. Maybe its because I never studied hard, or maybe its because no matter how hard I would study, I am not able to get that perfect GPA. I have come to realize that in a Liberal degree, grades matter on one end of the spectrum, but probably equally important (if not more) is how a person applies what he learns. I have proven that even though I get mediocre grades, I can still excel! By the way, I'm not one of those people who says they get okay grades but really get a 3.6 GPA. I have about a 2.8 GPA.
  

• Finally (and probably most importantly), this school is perfect for me. I love the people I've met. I love the chance I've gotten to double major in music and theatre. I love the climate (SNOWBOARDING THIS WEEKEND HOPEFULLY!). There is no reason for me to change schools. I may not be paying so much for the classes as I am the opportunities I am given and just as important, the school, my professors, and my peers are so supportive. Its expensive here, and I'm proabably going to be poor for my life, but I don't really care. Its what a man does and not his money that makes his worth.

Anyway, I think the semester is off to a great start. I have some awesome stuff planned. I do want to bring up my grades if for nothing else but to get a scholarship. I don't know if I will succeed, but I know last semester was my best yet so there is hope.

Here's to the future.

Later.

Reflection/Resolution

For all the crap that has been going on, for all the time that it has taken for the shit to hit the fan, it is eternity when compared to the amount of time it took me to analyze what is wrong with my life.

I am disappointed with some of the people in my life and some of the situations in my life, but most of all, I am disappointed with myself.

I have recently returned to some old habits I had sworn I would never return to and I have broken from some good habits I got myself into.

There are so many reasons for me to be disappointed with myself that I just need to say fuck it. I'm going to fix myself.

During the last week of 2008, I was searching for some things to resolve and by the new year, I came up with nothing except for one idea. I resolved to be a better person. However, the lack of acknowledgment of what I needed to fix in myself made it impossible to change myself.

Tonight, I have learned what I need to do.

Now, when I say that I resolve to be a better person, I mean it.

Painting

Lets just say at times like these, I wish I had a canvas and paint.

Best day ever!

I woke up at 7 for some reason and couldn't sleep. I went downstairs, had my mom drive me to the train station to pick up the other car, and then went to Panera's to use the gift card I got for Hanukkah. When I came home, I played Okami for an hour then took a nap. When I woke up I played Okami for 2 hours and now it is 2:30 in the afternoon.

I hope tonight can match today's awesomeness.

I'm going to have lunch.

Sin

Maybe it is the psychologist in me - or maybe it is just the actor - but I am always trying to analyze people. I love to see what makes them tick.

While watching Full Metal Alchemist, I looked at each of the homunculus and tried to understand how their sin manifests. Pride, the Fuhrer, had status and looked down upon everyone. Envy was jealous of the love Ed and Al had earned from their father and thus wanted to kill him so no one would have his love. Lust earned the adoration of several men and she would toy with hearts. Wrath hated his mother for turning him into what he was and hated Ed for having the body he needed. Sloth, was not only slow to act and move, but she also was willing to kill her own "sons" to see if she would feel anything at all. Pride wanted eternal life and everything he could get his hands on, and Gluttony... well... ate everything.

By the end of the show, I started to ask the question, "What if everyone was dominated by a single sin? What if there was one sin that manifests itself in every single person and makes them act the way they do?" I began to examine people in this way to see if it is true.

This is not an easy task, as some sins overlap. Before I was able to identify the sin in people, I had to identify the sins:

1) Pride -

• Overly-high self-esteem
• Generally looks down on everyone
• Sees himself as perfect

2) Lust -

• Toys with people's emotions
• Manipulates people

3) Gluttony -

• Over-indulges in pleasures

4) Envy - (Similar to Greed)

• Wants what other people have
• If he can't have what he wants, he doesn't want anyone to have it

5) Greed - (Similar to Envy)

• Wants what other people have
• Will try anything to get what other people have

6) Wrath -

• Generally angry
• Lashes at other people

7) Sloth -

• Apathetic
• Last to react

So after I isolated what it means to have each sin, I was able to start analyzing people to see what sin controls their lives. However, before this, I wanted to discover the sin that runs my life.

A few personal beliefs about the Seven Deadly Sins

• Everyone has a sin.

• Only one sin is more dominant than the rest. You cannot be both Lustful and Greedy. I do, however believe that sins can be used to fuel your overall sins. For example, if you are Greed, you can use lust to get what you want.

• You do not keep the same sin throughout your life. That is to say it is possible to switch sins as you grow.

• I do not believe they are "Deadly." On the contrary, I think it is what keeps us from unraveling and keeps us human. That said, I do believe that it is important to identify what sin you personify and how it helps and hinders you.

I plan on disclosing what sin I am. I just wanted to explain this thought first.

By the way, this was a post I have wanted to write up for the longest time but as posts in general, I didn't want to post it without feeling it first. Recent events, especially the New Year, have drawn it out of me.